These are a few of my favorite things...

I’ve entered a strange phase of life where I’ve live long enough in ‘third-world’ for it to become normal enough that I really can’t tell the difference between third world and first world. I’m trying to make a distinction in my mind, so I’ve come up with a list of things right off hand. Feel free to help me out those of you who travel…

You know you’re in third -world if:

#1 The number one most highly valued and most frequently used product in any given car is the horn.

You know you’re in America if:

#1 You get followed for miles by a flaming, rabid, road-raged, caffeine over-dosed driver shaking his fist and screaming profanities all the way after honking your horn at a very unfortunate and miscalculated moment during rush hour.

You know you’re in third -world if:

#2 A well educated, married man…well old enough to know better, walks up to young ladies of tender age and fragile self-esteem, and tells them with a big smile and much glee, “Why! You certainly look fat today! In fact, you’re ever so much fatter than when you first came!”

You know you’re in America if:

#2 A well educated, married man…well old enough to know better, gets beat to a bloomin’, bloody pulp after agreeing with his wife when she said the dress makes her look fat.

You know you’re in third -world if:

#3 Bathroom doors are made of solid metal and dead bolt from the outside (like get real…what’s someone really gonna want to steal, the toilet or the trash can…)

You know you’re in America if:

#3 Toilets and trash cans are nice enough to consider stealing.

You know you’re in third -world if:

#4 Sabbath School doesn’t end until 12:15

You know you’re in America if:

#4 The pulpit automatically retracts into the floor at exactly 11:59 A.M.

You know you’re in third -world if:

#5 You get fat and skinny a couple dozen times over every day…or so they tell you.

You know you’re in America if:

#5 Your fat jeans are at least four sizes too big, and only after outgrowing those do you start saying, “I think I might be gaining a little weight…” At which point everyone around you starts lying through their teeth and exclaiming how skinny you’ve actually been looking lately.

You know you’re in third -world if:

#6 Deep fried, crispy or live, juicy bugs seem to enhance the flavor of your food.

You know you’re in America if:

#6 Your mom freaks out when you find a worm at the bottom of your mug of hot chocolate. I mean come on, doesn’t it stand to reason that if the hot chocolate was tasting good before you found the worm that it must have been enhancing the flavor…?

You know you’re in third -world if:

#7 Bugs come super-sized, maybe even super-GRANDE-de-duper sized

You know you’re in America if:

#7 Mom’s idea of “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A REALLY big spider!” is at least as big around as a pencil eraser…maybe even bigger!

You know you’re in third -world if:

When thinking, “Wow, Vacation! Let’s sleep in and get up late!” Means go to bed at 10 and set the alarm for 5:15 a.m.

You know you’re in America if:

When thinking, “Wow, Vacation! Let’s sleep in and get up late!” Means go to bed at 5:15 and set the alarm for 10 a.m.


You know you’re in a third -world for the first time if:

Home seems like a million miles away.

You know you just arrived home to America from the third world if:

Every time you walk into a dark room you think the electricity’s out, and start looking for a flash light instead of the light switch.